Best Friends
by cookiemunster
Summary: Howard has been hiding his feelings for Vince for too long, but can his honesty allow them both to see who they really are? Rated for language and content, SLASH!
1. Chapter 1

**If you read my stuff, you will probably know that this is my first slash fic. Thing is, I've had this idea in my head for ages (after reading a short story by Jilly Cooper called 'Johnny Casanova'. It's in the 'Lisa and Co' anthology if you want to read it yes Corrine I'll send it you if you wanna read it ; )) So yeah, what it's like to be in love with your best friend is basically the issue here. **

**I don't own the Boosh, (yet) so don't sue me.**

**By the way, the girl is just a girl, not a character from my fics. I just needed a girl to be Vince's girlfriend. **

* * *

_**Howard**_

'_You are my sweetest downfall'_

I shouldn't have told him. I knew as the words were out of my mouth that I would regret it forever. I wanted to cram those stupid, horrible truthful words out of the air and stuff them back into my foolish mouth.

His whole body had gone rigid, as if I'd turned him to stone with my revelation. His eyes, when I finally met them, were cold as two points of ice, blue and unfeeling.

"What did you just say?" his voice was colder than the Artic Tundra.

I tried to speak, to say I was joking, anything to stop him looking at me like I didn't deserve to be alive. He seemed disgusted with me.

"I…" my strength failed me, but as it did, anger bubbled to the surface.

"What do you want me to say, hm? That I like her? That I hope you're happy together? Because I won't do it, I won't lie!" I moved closer to him, but he stood his ground. He was half a foot shorter than me but he managed to make me feel smaller with his waves of hatred radiating out at me.

Finally he spoke, his voice moderated, careful and slow.

"What is it with you and the girls I like? Are you jealous or something?"

He couldn't have been more right and more wrong. He meant was I jealous that he got the girls. No. I was jealous that they got him.

I'm not gay. Let's just get that down for a start. The fact that I'm head over heals in love with another guy doesn't mean I'm gay. I just love him. How the hell do I turn that off?

"No…"

"Well then what the fuck? It makes no sense! Howard, for gods sake… has she done something? Has she said something bad… what is it?" His tone had softened, his body language had too. He reached out to touch my arm.

This was such a Vince thing to do, he didn't know that his touch was the thing I longed for most and the thing I knew I had to keep away from. So I moved out of reach of his hand, as if it was a dagger ready to cut out my heart. I suppose it was.

"It's just… something about her… I didn't mean to call her a bitch, look I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Vince." When I looked up his eyes were a soft cloud blue and he was looking at me with understanding.

He didn't understand me, how could he. All I wanted to do was kiss him- my best friend and I wanted to kiss him, I mean what kind of a freak was I?- and he thought he understood that I was jealous because I couldn't get a girlfriend.

"It's OK, I understand." He smiled at me knowingly.

For some reason I became angry. Why couldn't he see what was tearing me up inside? That every time he touched that girlfriend of his, every time she flicked her stupid blonde hair or twinkled her brown eyes at him, I just wanted to scream. Every time he said her name I winced like he'd pinched me. Every time he smiled because of her a piece of my wasted heart broke.

"No, you don't" I said simply.

"I do understand, look mate, its OK! Everyone goes through dry patches when they just don't connect with anyone, its normal." He grinned and patted my shoulder. Patronising bastard. And the fact that he cared so much just made my heart ache. I loved him so much, but he was a completely clueless idiot.

"No 'mate' you really don't understand" I stood up and walked over to the window, looking out onto the dark street.

"So tell me then! You don't tell me anything anymore Howard. You hardly talk to me…" His voice sounded so dejected. He couldn't understand that the only reason I didn't open up to him was that if I told him what was going inside he'd run a mile and it'd ruin our relationship forever.

He was still talking. "We're meant to be best friends and you just never talk to me! You act like I'm not there half the time, you don't understand that it hurts, do you? I don't even know what I've done…"

He sounded piteous and hurt. I wanted to hug him close and tell him it was OK that I'd love him always, I wanted to brush the unshed tears that I could hear from his voice were gathering, away from his baby blue eyes and I wanted to kiss him until all the pain was gone.

But I couldn't do any of this because he'd probably call the police and I'd get charged with indecent assault. So instead I gave him a wan smile and said

"You haven't done anything."

"Then why are you drifting away from me? I just don't understand. I mean, don't you like me anymore?"

"No I don't like you. I love you."

I said this in my head. I know I did. But Vince was staring at me strangely his face was contorted in something that looked like disbelief and pain. Then I realised the truth. I'd told _him_ the truth.

"What?"

The he laughed.

"Yeah Howard, I love you too, you're my best mate…"

Then he trailed off. Because he saw the look on my face. And then he knew.

I couldn't deny it. I tried to avoid the look on his face. What was that look? Oh yeah, disgust.

"You _love_ me?" He said love like it was a swearword, like it was dirty and wrong. That's the last thing I wanted him to think this was.

"Vince, I-..." I had no idea where I was going with that, and the sentence just hung in mid air. I felt so exposed, like I was holding my heart out to him… and I knew he was going to turn it away.

He'd sunk down to sit on my bed, and then stood up quickly as if it implied something. I was surprised that he hadn't flattened himself against the wall in case I attempted to bum him when he wasn't aware of it. He kept giving me these reproachful looks.

"Didn't know you were gay." he said finally.

"I'm not" I said. Because it's just Vince I want, no one else. I don't download dodgy pictures of the internet; I don't ring up chatlines to talk to 'Hot Guyz' I'm just in love with my best friend. This was probably worse. If I was gay then maybe I'd have other options. If I was straight there'd be no problem either. But I was in love with one person and one person only. Then Vince said, like he'd read my mind;

"So it's just me then? Wow, aren't I the lucky one." the scorn and sarcasm in his voice hurt me more than flat refusal ever could. He was making light of everything I felt so strongly.

He didn't understand because I don't think he's ever been in love. He didn't understand that it made my head feel light every time he smiled or laughed at something I said. He didn't know that my heart skipped a beat every time he touched me accidentally. I remember once, when we were in the crowd at a gig he put his arms round me like it was the most natural thing in the world. I thought my heart was a flower, about to burst into bloom.

He'd looked up at me as he held me round my waist. "Howard, I'm using you as an anchor I hope you don't mind. I don't want to get crushed to death by indie kids!" Of course I didn't mind. I remember his happy face, the glitter on his eyes, his eyeliner defining those deep blue pupils, his hair coiffed to perfection. I put an arm round his shoulder, allowing myself that one small sensation, savoring it for the entire world. "Nah its fine wouldn't want you to get stamped on, electro poof." He'd laughed and I'd wanted to cry I was so happy.

"God, Howard. So how long have you been fantasizing about me in lederhosen or whatever?" His voice was sharp as a knife and sour as a dozen lemons.

"I haven't… Vince, it's not about…"

Obviously I'd thought what it would be like. What it'd be like to feel his smooth skin beneath my fingers, run my hands through his hair, to kiss his soft lips… to make him yell out in blissful agony…

"What, sex? Oh, so you're in love with me on a deeper level. We both know I don't have deeper levels Howard."

He was so wrong. He was funny. He was artistic. When he listened to a song he liked his face would light up with appreciation. He was kind to animals and people alike. He was a good friend, no matter how flighty he could be. He'd always be there for me.

Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like… Jesus, what a cliché I was.

"I'm sorry Vince, I didn't mean to upset you." I was looking at my shoes now like they were the most fascinating thing in the world.

Suddenly, his boots came into my eye line. I lifted my head. He was staring right at me, his eyes colder than I'd ever seen them, his face pale with indignation.

"You're sorry? If you're so sorry… why don't you get the fuck out?" His voice was so cold it sent chills down my spine. He was looking at me intently, his eyes more skeptical than cruel, as if he wanted to see the pain in my eyes. Judging by the way he pulled a grimace and then looked away he had.

"If that's what you want." I said quietly, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice.

He turned round. He looked like a teenager, his hair all over the place, as he'd run his hand through it. His t shirt had ridden up slightly; I could see his nasty Nicky Clarke scar, the one I'd rubbed cooling gel on (god that was a weird kind of torture for me) as he'd yelled into a pillow that it hurt. His eyes looked lost and confused.

Suddenly he was in front of me again, peering into my eyes. Then he looked at my lips, fleetingly and his mouth parted slightly. He hovered there, for what seemed like a heart aching eternity… and then he was gone from the room, leaving only the faint scent of his hair pray and aftershave.

I sat down and exhaled, feeling the icy chill that had begun to spread over me when Vince had told me to leave finally reach the tattered ruins of my heart.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Vince**_

I guess on some level I'd always known. That he felt something more for me than just friendship. I could see it sometimes, but I chose to ignore. Like once, when I dropped an amp on my foot and he'd bandaged my toe, I'd leaned in close to have a look. Too close and he jumped like I'd shot him. "It's alright Howard I'm not gonna try and snog you." Bad choice of words Vince, very bad.

And now I'd thrown him out. Because he'd told the truth that secretly, I'd always known. I'd stayed in my room the day he was leaving. I listened to Naboo and Bollo trying to talk him out of it. But he just said 'things weren't the same' and that he'd 'fallen out with Vince over something that couldn't be fixed'.

I'd stared at the ceiling until the door slammed for the last time. Then I rolled over and cried. Even if he was in love with me, he was still the best and the dearest friend I'd ever had. Then as my tears began to dry some awful fear grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let me go. I'd lost him, lost him forever.

Not for the first time I cursed my stupid actions a couple of nights before. I'd derided his feelings, sworn at him, told him to leave. But then, the thing I regretted most. I don't know why but when I'd looked at him and he was stood there like I'd punched him in the face I just wanted to…

I'd grabbed my pillow and flung it at the wall when I let those thoughts creep into my head and smashed my mirror. Seven years bad luck. I deserved it anyway.

Which is why, I guess, two weeks later, I was drunk and staggering down the street. The Jack Daniels was stupidly sweet in my mouth and every mouthful made me want to wretch because I knew the rest of me was sour and bitter and twisted and cruel. I didn't deserve anyone, not after the way I had treated him. My thoughts where incoherent as the dark night enclosed me.

Suddenly she came into my mind. The day after he told me… what he told me, she'd come over. She'd sat on the sofa, crawled and pawed around me, kissed my neck, hugged me close. All with Howard sat at the kitchen table, trying to act normal as he gathered together stuff.

I'd watched his back and once or twice he turned around, as if his masochistic tendencies had overcome his natural self preservation and he'd looked like someone was slowly tweezering out his moustache. Using a rusty knife.

I turned to look at him once. He'd caught my eye and there we were, trapped looking at each other, his endless gaze bore into me like he could see right into my heart. It wasn't like I was about to let him in though, so I gave him my best smile. But I know it didn't reach my eyes, I knew my eyes were cold, icy, dead.

It's how I felt inside. I couldn't feel properly. Well I could. I could feel annoyance at the girl who was wriggling about on my lap. She kept looking between me and Howard. Once he'd left the room (taking with him a wok that I never knew we had and that no one ever, ever used) she whispered in my ear, her breath tickling my ear in a really irritating 'So why's he leaving?' . Of course I'd been nonchalant. 'He's just decided to move on, people do, you know'.

And then Howard walked back in and I saw she was going to ask him something so I chose that moment to kiss her so she'd shut up. He looked at us for a moment (I had one eye open) and then turned round, slamming his room door behind him. I felt myself smile.

Stupid, petty, little man. That's what I was, I made myself sick.

As if in some kind of cruel sympathy for my thoughts I felt bile rising in my throat as the acidic tide of vomit hurtled from my stomach. I managed to make it down an alleyway before I spilled my guts.

I felt like shit and I probably looked like it too. I just wanted to go home, but my flat didn't feel like a home. It felt big and empty. Naboo was always off with my sister, Bollo was always downstairs with his girlfriend. And I missed Howard. I couldn't help it. He was been my best friend for god knows how long, it's only normal that I missed him. Wasn't it?

I staggered back onto the street, the bottle still in my hand and I bumped into someone.

"Ur, sorry mate" I mumbled.

But the person seemed hell bent on sorting me out. Or at least that's what I thought till my drunk eyes actually focused on the person. It seems the fates were really having a laugh that night as I found myself staring into the deep brown eyes of Howard Moon. My best friend and the guy who, not three weeks ago, admitted he loved me. How's that for 'Small World', eh?

"Vince?" he asked his face full of concern.

Of course he was concerned. He was my friend he cared about me, and he was a good person, something that I thought I would never ever be.

"Are you OK?" he had a hand on my back, trying to guide me. I felt a lot of confusing emotions inside me; all of them jostling for pull position in my fast beating heart. Anger got there first.

"Don't touch me!" I hissed.

I saw the look in his eyes, and it made me hate myself so much I want to be sick. Again.

"Look, you're drunk you need to calm down…" his voice was soothing and gentle, caring and caressing, but it was like once I'd let a tiny bit out, I couldn't control how I feel anymore.

"Calm down? _Calm down_!? How the fuck do you suggest I do that, Howard?" I knew my eyes were all loose and I looked like a drunken psycho.

Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and began leading me down the street. At first I protested but the rhythm of his walk calmed me down. His soft touch on my arm.

The he stopped and began rummaging in his pockets. Then he turned a key in the lock of the door then I was propelled forwards again and up a flight of stairs.

Then, I don't know how it happened, but I was in Howard's new flat. Surrounded by Howardness. It felt like coming home. His records, his books his clothes lying around in the small room. He began picking up cups and stuff, trying to make the place more presentable. I sat down on one of the tatty chairs.

"So this is where you're living now…" I said quietly.

_**Howard**_

I found myself wondering why he sounded so sad when he said that. I looked over and he was sat with his Jack Daniels looking very depressed, like a little kid who'd lost his toy.

"Yeah well… it's not much..." I replied.

It wasn't much, just four rooms (kitchen, bathroom, living room, and bedroom) but it was somewhere to live. It was kind of nice, not having to worry about bumping into Vince all the time. I had my own space to sit and brood and listen to the blues (I was really sympathizing with the blues singers at that time) by myself. Of course I longed to see him but it was also ok that I had time to mourn.

But now he'd come blustering back into my life again.

"Can I use your…" he gestured.

"Oh go ahead, it's that door there."

"Um thanks." he said and wondered into the bathroom.

I breathed properly for the first time I'd clapped eyes on him wandering down the street. I'd expected my feelings to have eased a little. I was wrong. They'd intensified, like some kind of weird disease. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I turned the kettle on and focused on making two cups of tea, pouring milk and water over tea bags, watching the milky grey liquid turn orangey brown in the mugs. Then I turned round and Vince was standing there, looking at me.

I think I must've resembled a deer in the headlights of a car because that's exactly how I felt. Caught out and terrified.

Then in one smooth movement something very strange happened. Vince had managed to move close enough to me to grab the side of my face and began kissing me furiously. His lips were hot and his breath tasted minty. I remember thinking, in those few coherent seconds before all I could hear was blood pounding in my head was '_He brushed his teeth_'.

Hs hands began digging into my hair as he pressed his body up against mine. I ran my hands down his back and moved closer into him. I could feel by the hardness pressing against my thigh that he felt the same way as me about what was going on.

Then I pulled back and looked at him, stood in my arms. I had to remind myself that he was drunk. I needed to know.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" I asked.

His blue eyes were clear now; he wasn't in a drunken stupor anymore.

"More than anything." he replied and began the kissing again, harder this time, his tongue in my mouth, in my ear, his lips running down my neck, his hands straying towards my belt buckle.

I grabbed his forearms and began to pull him towards the bedroom. The flat was so small that the entire room was practically taking up by the double bed. Vince didn't seem to mind. He shoved me down onto the bed, with so much force I thought the springs might break. He was hungrier now as he ripped his t shirt off, discarding it onto the small area of floor by the bed. He began to undo the buttons on my shirt then eventually gave up. I noticed that his hands were shaking, so he just ripped the shirt off my back instead.

"Never liked that shirt on you anyway," he mumbled into my lips as he leaned down to kiss me again. I found myself laughing in spite of myself. He smiled at me and again he made for my belt buckle. This time, I didn't stop him.

_**Vince**_

I knew that I wanted him. Why else had I brushed my teeth (apart from wanting to get rid of the gammy taste in my mouth)? But I hadn't realised just how much I'd wanted him until I'd found myself with my tongue down his throat, kissing him as if our lives depended on it.

In the bedroom I found I was no less desperate for his touch. I ached every time he moved his hands away from me. There was no part of me that wanted anything to stop, it just felt… right.

And then a few hours later I woke up. And I couldn't believe what I'd done. I mean, I wasn't gay. I had a girlfriend, I loved her. Or at least I thought I did. I must've been drunk, I told myself. Everything felt weird and wrong.

I grabbed my clothes and got dressed fast. I didn't look at Howard. I had to get out of their. I couldn't look at him. I knew he was asleep. I glanced over for a second and saw him sleeping, a gentle look on his face. God, what a huge mess. I didn't let my mind stray for a second onto what we'd actually done. I just accepted it was a bad thing. A really bad thing.

Pulling on my clothes, I shuffled out of the room as quietly as possible. I made it to the door before I stopped to think. How could I just leave? But what else could I do? It was wrong, I knew it and when he woke up, well, he'd know it too.

I picked up a pen and wrote one word on an envelope just one solitary word. Then I legged it. Like the coward I was.

_**Howard**_

I knew he'd gone the moment I opened my eyes. I don't know what I expected. I thought, when I'd watched him sleep the night before, that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for us. No, I didn't think that at all. I was sure that there was a chance for us. I was sure as anything, that he loved me. I knew as soon as he kissed me, the way he touched me, that he loved me. I was wrong.

I was alone in my flat. If it hadn't been for the lingering scent of his sweet, distinctive cologne I would have thought that the night before had all been a dream. I sighed, not allowing myself to think. I whacked the radio on. This had been my routine for the last few weeks. In the morning I'd wake up and remember so I'd turn the radio on before the pain could seep into me. It was a good technique, listening to the chirrupy voices of the outside world, numbing myself to the turmoil inside. Only that day I knew it'd be so, so much worse.

I stood up, pulled some clothes on and wandered out of the bedroom. There was the empty bottle of Jack Daniels. I walked into the kitchen. Two cups of cold tea sat on the counter, the tea bags still floating in the liquid. I walked out of the room. He was everywhere. Everything he touched, everywhere he was the night before he was sill there. I noticed a piece of paper lying on the table.

There was one word written on it.

'_Sorry'_

I started to cry.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Vince**_

I didn't see him for two weeks after that. I couldn't see him.

I didn't know how I felt. I thought maybe that some sort of weird version of me had taken over that night and now the real Vince was back. What happened with Howard seemed completely disjointed with the rest of my life. If I didn't think about it, I told myself, I'd be fine.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fooling anyone particularly not my friends.

Bollo tried to be friendly to me but all I could do was snap at him, yell at him when he started telling me stories. Naboo was the opposite. He was cold and glacial towards me. Before he'd offer to make me a cup of tea or something when he was making one. Now he never asked. He barely spoke to me.

And then one night he did speak to me. My girlfriend had gone home after staying the day at the flat. Yes, I was still with her. It was selfish, I realise that now. But at the time, it made me feel more normal. Like I hadn't randomly slept with my best friend a few days before. I was just a guy with a girlfriend. Nothing could be simpler.

After she'd gone I turned the kettle on. Just as it was coming to the boil, Naboo walked into the kitchen area. He looked me dead in the eye with his chocolate brown gaze. And then he said it.

"You're the worst person I know."

Then he calmly picked up his newspaper and walked out of the room.

Of course I wasn't going to take that, so I followed him.

"What the hell do you mean?" I demanded, grabbing the tiny shaman by one of his skinny arms. He glared at me again, his stare unnerving me slightly, I didn't loosen my grip though.

"I'm just saying why do you have to lead her on? Don't you think enough people have been hurt?"

His words penetrated my thoughts. I dropped his arm.

"Howard told you?" I asked my voice dead.

His tone softened considerably. "He didn't need to. I already knew."

"What?" I asked looking up sharply.

"That he loves you…. why is there something else I should know?" Naboo asked, his voice was sharp.

"No..." I replied.

"Vince?" he pressed.

"We... we… it's nothing alright?" I yelled, suddenly angry. I dropped down onto the sofa and hid my face in my hands.

"Vince."

"It's nothing" I repeated quietly

"Tell me." he urged.

But I couldn't, because what could I say? 'Oh I slept with Howard then I couldn't handle it so I ran away.' Yeah, I'd be lucky if he ever made me a cup of tea again.

So I mumbled something and sloped off to the shower.

The marks on my skin were fading but I could still see them. Memories coursed through me of how the scratches on my back and shoulders got there, the small bruises on my hips.

I tried to block out my thoughts with the flow of the water over my head but it wasn't helping. I couldn't detach. It was there constantly but at the same time I wouldn't let my thoughts linger on it. Because every time I did think about it my thoughts always strayed to Howard, sleeping and oblivious to my afterthoughts. And that always caused an odd ache in my chest, something I couldn't quite locate.

_**Howard**_

Some friends convinced me to go to the gig. I'd been moping around for two weeks, not going out except for the odd pint of milk. I was grateful to them for worrying about me and through a lot of gentle bullying they managed to get me to agree to go with them.

I still hadn't explained what exactly had happened with Vince to anyone, not even to myself. The memories of that were still at the forefront of my every waking thought, threatening to spill over into my consciousness. But I blocked them out, because I knew that allowing myself to remember what we had shared would only serve to cause me pain.

So that night I showered and dressed appropriately in a clean white shirt and pair of trousers. I threw on a hat as well. I guess the small act of whimsy with my dress reminded me a little of Vince and the way he always wore over the top clothes. I missed him, not as just as a lover but also as a friend, someone who could always make me laugh. I smiled sadly at myself in the mirror as I shaved.

When we arrived at the venue the club was already heaving with people listening and dancing to the DJ's set. The DJ just happened to be Bollo, my ex-flatmate. I looked accusingly around at my friends but they'd all scarpered. I knew that if Bollo was playing a set then-

That's when I saw him, a little way off leaning against the bar. He too was wearing a white shirt, a short sleeved t shirt with a red scarf. He was holding a Flirtini and was casually glancing around the room. I cursed myself for staring, captivated by him. But I was, totally under his spell. His beautiful face, his slim frame, his air of easiness. All of this drove away months of heartache, in one glance at him.

Then he saw me. And our eyes looked. All of his casualness disappeared. He looked alarmed. He looked scared.

I looked away first, and moved away through the crowd. It wasn't easy but I had to get the hell out of there. I was nearly at the door when a black and white streak shot in front of me and I found a pair of brown eyes staring at me.

"What the hell have you done to him?" asked Vince's girlfriend. She was wearing a black and white dress and the angriest expression I've ever seen.

"What?" I asked, completely incredulous. Thoughts began racing through my mind. Surely Vince hadn't told her about us?

"He's not been the same since you left, he's moody and he yells at me, what have you said to him? Have you tried to turn him against me or something?" she was stuttering nearly hysterical.

And I realised that even though she was mad at me, we were both in the same boat. We were both in love with Vince; we were both in his control. And I pitied her and pitied myself.

"No, I haven't said anything to him" I began, trying to keep my voice level.

"Well then why is he being like this?" she whispered, he voice was thin and high with emotion.

"I don't know. I don't think he knows what he wants and he just can't help hurting people…" She began to nod in agreement.

"Thanks Howard, I'm sorry for yelling at you, I just… want the old Vince back, you know?"

"Yeah," I said sadly "I do know".

She wandered off in search of a loo to tidy her face. I realised with a heavy heart that I was partly to blame for the poor girl's treatment, and she really didn't deserve it. I sighed and turned round.

And there was Vince, looking at me with that intense expression in his eyes, his arms folded across his chest. He was leaning against a wall and his face was enshrouded in the shadows, making his pointed face more menacing looking. He regarded me for a moment then he smiled, his face almost sinister in the strange light.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Vince**_

I'd been alarmed to see him at the gig. I'd been terrified to seem him talking to my girlfriend. But when I had approached them I realised that Howard was just offering her some friendly advice, I relaxed a little. Then he said that I didn't know what I wanted and something inside me snapped. Because I did know what I wanted but I realised that maybe I'd ruined my one chance at getting it. So when he turned around and saw me there I smiled at him.

"Oh I don't know what I want do I?" I asked him.

He looked confused. But his expression cleared when I walked over to him and took his hand. We left the gig early.

It's funny how in the haze of lust and action you get bizarre moments of clarity. Once again in Howard's bed I found myself thinking that this wasn't just sex, this was something more… then the moment swelled and died and my thoughts were lost again.

Afterwards I fell asleep, my head resting on his chest, my arms round him. He was stroking my arm gently. I felt safe. I felt happy. Everything felt… right.

But I awoke in the night again and the doubts came back. I'd made the same mistake again. I extracted myself from his embrace. But this time I wasn't so quiet. Or maybe he suspected I might try the same thing again. Whatever the reason, his eyes flashed open the second I began to search for my hastily discarded clothes. When he saw what I was doing, he shut his eyes again. He didn't say anything while I was getting dressed, but as just as I set about finding my shoes he finally spoke.

"Why are you leaving?" he asked, his voice at a controlled level, betraying no emotion.

"I have to… she'll be missing me." I said meaning my girlfriend.

"Oh right." he replied. "Well she'll be relieved to know that you haven't killed yourself then." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Howard, she's my girlfriend." I said, and the n realised how stupid and lame that sounded. How utterly, utterly stupid.

"Oh is she really? Then what the hell am I, Vince? If you have a girlfriend, if you have everything you need, why on earth did you say it was me you wanted earlier? Why is it that you chose to sleep with me twice in as many weeks?" His voice was rising with anger, and a fair amount of confusion.

"I-I don't know." I replied quietly. Because I didn't know. I didn't know why I had to do this. Why I let myself get what I wanted at his expense. Why I couldn't leave him be. I sank to sit on the bed.

Suddenly, I felt his hands grip my forearms and pull me round to face him. His deep brown eyes bored into mine, a tunnel of swirling emotions convulsed before me in his gaze. His hold on me tightened.

"You don't _know_?" he asked, his voice now incredulous.

"Howard I-" he dropped my arms.

"Just go." He was looking down at his sheets now, like they were the most fascinating pieces of cloth known to man. He wouldn't look at me.

I got up to leave, and felt something break, almost, inside me. Something that once again, I couldn't place. Because how on earth was I supposed to know? I didn't realise that it was something so vital to me.

I didn't realise that you couldn't live without a heart.

_**Howard**_

I was more angry with myself than I was with him. I'd said to myself that I wouldn't let him get under my skin again, that I wouldn't let him back inside me…. literally and metaphorically. But I had. I was a weak stupid fool. But UI couldn't get something he'd said out of my mind.

He'd said it the night of the gig, just as he was drifting off to sleep. I don't know if he meant it or even if he knew what he was saying. But all the same, his words repeated over and over in my head.

'_This is where I feel happiest_"

That's what he had said into my chest, my hand running gently through his thick mane of hair. Then he'd fallen asleep before I could respond.

That's why his actions of just a few hours later surprised me in some ways. Yes, I'd expected him to run away again, but when I'd questioned him about why he had come back and he said that he didn't know, well that had surprised me.

Because I assumed that maybe, just maybe, I deserved a little dignity from this whole mess. That at least he could grant me a scrap of self worth. That at least he could say the reason he came back was that he wanted to be with me. That, for maybe a just a few hours, he wanted me.

But no.

After he left, I couldn't sleep. I paced the flat for hours, and then headed out onto the streets. I watched the day break, pink and orange fingers stretching up through the sky chasing away the indigo night sky. I watched the sky for a long time, thinking about all the people who might have looked at the sky over the years. I thought that in all those years, many people with many pains in their lives must've looked up at the sky and thought how insignificant they really were. Well I thought that too. But at the same time, it didn't really help me. I still had a massive hole in my chest where my heart had formerly resided and I had no idea how long it would take to heal, or even if it would.

So I wandered back to my flat. I sat in my room and listened to records for a few hours. Anything to block it all out. However many times I listened to Bix Beiderbecke or Dizee Gillespie or Billy Holiday or any of the Jazz greats, Vince's disdainful expression over my record collection came back to me. Not even jazz could console me now, it only reminded me of him.

I sighed when I heard the knock on the door. It would be one of my friends, round to ask why I had left the gig so early, why I hadn't called or replied to any messages. With a heavy heart, I swung the door open.

And there was Vince.

He looked like he hadn't slept either, his hair was matted and his clothes rumpled. He was wearing the same T shirt as last night but this one was doused in sweat. His eyes had tell tale bags underneath them, and I could also detect that they were slightly red, like he'd been crying.

I just couldn't deal with it. I felt so numb. I turned and walked away from him, and dropped down onto the sofa. I looked down at my hands, making steeples with my fingers, determined not to look at his sweet baby blue stare, knowing that it would break me.

"Howard?" he asked.

His voice was pleading and urgent. I had a feeling that, whether I liked it or not, I was going to hear what he was going to say.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Vince**_

I knelt down in front of him. He was still staring at his hands, his shoulders drooped.

"Howard?" I asked tentatively. I got no reply.

"Howard? Please look at me." Whatever was on his hands was absorbing his full attention.

I put my hand out and gently touched the back of his hand. At first I felt him tense but then he seemed to relax a little. I was half holding his hand by now but he still wouldn't look at me. I leaned forward off my heels, and I gently brushed away some of his hair, so I could look into his eyes.

"I'm so sorry" I said, with more feeling than I would have thought possible. Then I leaned in and kissed him, my hand reaching down to cup his cheek. He slowly began to respond and I could feel him giving in.

Slowly I slid my hands around his waist and pushed him back onto the sofa…

Then suddenly, he pushed me away, just stood up and walked over to the door and opened it.

I stared at him, from the spot on the floor, the place where I'd fallen when he'd pushed me away.

"Vince… what are you _doing here_?" he asked me.

I stared at him some more until realization dawned. He didn't want me here. He didn't want me in his life. He didn't want me. _He didn't want me_.

I felt numb, like someone had smacked me over the head with something blunt and heavy and it would be a couple of seconds before the searing pain would kick in.

"You want me to leave?" I asked because he seemed incapable of speaking because he was so… angry? Didn't seem quite right.

He nodded.

"OK, … I wont bother you anymore…" I picked up my jacket and my bag. I headed to the door, which he was still holding open. I wondered if I was the only one in the quiet room who could hear my heart breaking.

He was leant against the door as I walked past him; his face was stony and resilient. And I couldn't take it. I started to cry. Hot tears began to track slowly down my face. I dropped my stuff on the floor and I bent down to pick it up. I gasped for air and Howard noticed my tears. I tried to grab my stuff off the floor and then make a run for it but my world had turned into one of blurry blobs. Suddenly a large blob was filling my view.

Howard was sat down on the floor with me. He was trying to look me in the face but I was looking down at the floor, he didn't need me crying everywhere. We sat that way for quite a while.

"You're really sorry, aren't you?" he asked. His voice was level and I couldn't detect any emotion there.

"Y-yes" I managed to hiccup through my tears.

"Well you better not hurt me like that again, little man." he said.

It took me a few seconds for that to sink in.

"What?" I asked. I needed to make sure that he'd said what I'd thought he said. That he wasn't messing me around, like I'd done to him.

He smiled at me, a sweet sincere smile. I began to do that happy laugh/cry thing and nearly choked on my own phlegm. He laughed, and patted me on the back. I saw tears in his own eyes.

"I love you, Vince, but the red rimmed eye, snotty nose look doesn't suit you"

There was that word again. He saw me start at it. He reached out and touched my face gently. "It's ok… you don't have to say… not yet."

I smiled at his understanding, then threw my arms around his neck, practically knocking him over, from his kneeling position on the floor.

"Never let me go again." I asked quietly.

_**Howard**_

I had no intention of letting him go again. Later as we lay together he told me of how he came to his decision.

"I went home and she was there. She was angry with me for staying out for so long, accusing me of being with some girl. I said I hadn't been with a girl. But she didn't believe me. She asked me if there was anyone else. And I- I couldn't deny it anymore. So I told her. I told her that there was someone else. She looked so shocked, so hurt, but there was nothing I could do… she dumped me, saying that she didn't date two timers. It was horrible, there was so much yelling…"

"Oh, so you only came back cos she dumped you?" I asked, ruffling his hair teasingly.

"Nothing could've stopped me from coming back." he said, smiling at me.

"I realise that it wasn't her I needed, it was you. I realised that you are the only person who really knows me, who has never let me down…. and I'm sorry you can't say that about me."

"Well you came through in the end." I shrugged.

I'm not going to pretend Vince didn't hurt me. But would I trade everything I had now after all that heartache for the chance to have never loved him? No, nothing in the world could entice me to make that switch.

"Well... I feel happy here, you know? With you I mean… Howard?"

"Yes?"

"Will you move back to the flat, with me? We could knock our rooms through, make a one big space, or, or something." he trailed off, obviously not wanting to give the impression that he'd thought too much about it.

"Hmm, I'll have to think about it…." I said.

"OK" he nodded and leant put his head back down on my chest.

Half a second later he lifted his head up again. "Thought about it yet?" he asked, an eager look on his face.

I laughed. "Oh alright then!" I said, acting like it wasn't something I'd been dreaming of ever since I'd moved out.

"Yay!" Vince exclaimed. Then he stopped. "God, I actually just said 'Yay!' didn't I?"

"Yes, yes you did, Vincent." I nodded, mock seriously.

"Jeez.. I'll be saying 'golly' next."

"Well seeing as I shall be moving back into the flat, I think this call for a celebration…" I said, giving him a grin.

"What would that entail?" asked Vince, his eyes wide and innocent.

I whispered something in his ear.

"Golly!" he said. I laughed and kissed him.

_**Vince**_

'_Oh, you're making me live, whatever this world can give to me… it's you, you're all I see'_

It didn't take long for Howard to move back in. I was so happy. Everything I wanted I had in my life. I'd been so, so stupid in those confusing weeks and my own behavior made me cringe. But Howard had forgiven me, had accepted my apology. His gentle care had allowed me to find myself, to discover who I really was, and who I really needed.

A few weeks later Howard and I were sat in a bar, enjoying a drink or two and a quiet chat. Bollo and Naboo were off on some trip. Naboo hadn't been surprised when I'd announced Howard was moving back in, and even less surprised when I told him that Howard and I were 'an item'. He had smiled broadly and wished us luck. Shaman… I guess that was why they were so mystic, they knew how to give the impression they knew everything. And Bollo just went with the flow as usually. 'Howard and Vince are lovers? Cool. Can I have a Jaffa Cake?"

In fact there was only one person who wasn't happy for Howard and me. And I could perfectly understand why.

"So this is the _gay _corner is it?" she asked, her voice slurred. It was my ex, the one who had dumped me for thinking I'd two timed her with a girl. I guess it had been a shock for her to find out that I had been sleeping with my, then, ex flat mate. She said 'gay' as if it was a dirty word.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" asked Howard gently.

"Shuddup, don't you think you shouldn't go around stealing people's boyfriends, hmm?" she asked him, as she took another swig from the glass of… whatever she was holding.

"Please, just-" I began but she cut me off.

"Now what I don't understand is, why you are suddenly gay." she said, pointing at me. "Because when we were together you most certainly were not gsy. But oh, now, you're running around town holding hands with some mustache-y sugar daddy, please explain Vince."

I sighed. I was fed up if this. It wasn't the first time it'd happened. I understood that I had hurt her and that she had a right to be upset. But that didn't give her the right to attack Howard.

"Go on Vince; explain to me, why, why, why are you hanging around and going gooey eyed all over this, this _loser_?"

Something inside me gave way. I couldn't take this and I wasn't about to let it go.

"Why? Because, I love him." I answered simply.

She rocked back, shocked. I felt Howard's eyes on me but I didn't look at him.

"Now, I'm very sorry that I hurt you and that you were a casualty of my own denial but yes, I love someone else and I would be very happy if you could find it in your heart to leave us in peace, please." I said in a very level voice.

She stared at me, and then turned and slunk away. I think I heard her mutter 'poof' under her breath. I wasn't bothered though, all that I was bothered about was the fact Howard had been staring at me silently for a good few minutes and that I was going to have to look at him soon.

I looked at him. His brown eyes were soft. "Did you mean that?" he asked.

"Of course I did." I reached across the table and took his hand. "I love you, Howard."

He smiled, a more sincere expression of happiness I have never seen.

"Now… I was thinking about acid purple for the walls in our room…" I began, hoping to catch him out in a distracted moment.

"We are not having acid purple!"

"Why not?"

"Because it'll give me a migraine!"

"Oh pleeeeeeeeease-uh"

"No"

"Oh go on, I love you."

"And I love you too but I'd rather be single than have acid purple walls."

We bickered like that for a couple of hours, not meaning any of it. And now I sit here, in the indigo ceiling-ed, sky blue walled haven of our room (we compromised) and I think, this is where we belong. He'll be listening to his records, with headphones on (another compromise) and I'll be drawing or reading or trying on stupid outfits.

It doesn't matter what we do, just as long as we're together. Forever.

_**The End**_

**The song lyrics in Howard's bit at the start are taken from' Samson', by Regina Spektor. The lyrics in Vince's bit at the end are taken from 'You're my Best Friend' by Queen . Both are awesome songs and I suggest you download them if you don't already have them in your library. I don't own the Boosh, as much as I'd like to. Please review.**


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